Tiny Steps

January 6, 2017

Yesterday was a tough one, from about one o'clock on. About that time I could feel anxiety creeping in. Silly little things like thinking that the mild pressure headache I had might be a stroke coming on. (Again, deep ingrained fear that my weight is going to kill me) As it started to escalate, I took action and I exercised by playing some hardcore rock band for about 45 minutes. Once I was done and nothing had changed I decided to take an anxiety pill, the first one I've taken during the day.

For the first moment or two I felt like a failure- I let it win, I couldn't white knuckle it, but then I stopped and really thought about it. I was wrong- I DID win. I could have white knuckled it. I could have dove into the bag of unopened chips we have in the cupboard. I could have pulled out the horrible, yet still chocolate, frozen turtles in the freezer, I could have make a HUGE plate of buttered pasta. But I did none of that, instead, I did the thing that was the healthiest for my body- I took the pill and settled the imbalance, and didn't stop there.

I took a hot bath, while watching "Being Human- US", Sam Witwer always makes me happy. After the bath I used some of my shimmery cranberry body lotion from the Body Shop that I keep for special occasions. Finally, I did the thing I haven't done for so long, the thing that truly feeds my soul- I sang. I opened the windows, put on my play list of broadway/pop punk/rock tunes and opened up full throttle. Man that felt good.

https://www.chirbit.com/tamaraward   Here is a quick recording I did yesterday. Very raw and unpolished, but man- it felt good just to sing.

I went to the walk in clinic, under the impression that my family doctor would be there, she wasn't. That said, the doctor I did see was amazing. Apparently, my doctor keeps amazing notes, and he was able to prescribe something more focused to help with the anxiety and my eating disorder. He also told me to follow up with my doctor and she should be able to get me into some sort of eating disorder clinic, to also help. It was a pretty positive meeting.

Today so far, has been calm and upbeat. After blogging, I'm off to work on my "Let's Play" channel. I feel like I took a tiny step yesterday that has the potential to become an anchoring stone.